Well, I told my mother today so I may as well tell my LJ… Katie and I are separating and getting a divorce. Its going to be fairly amicable, I am assuming from talking with her.
She says that she didn’t see it coming. When I reminded her that I’ve discussed the issues I have with her over and over again, she said, “I heard you when you said it, but I didn’t realize things were that bad.” and “I guess I just wasn’t in tune with you.”
This after hearing things such as, “I’m so frustrated all the time” “You are killing part of me” “I give up”
I have to say that is part of the problems. How can you NOT be in tune with someone you love?
My mother finally said, “I have to admit that you two had a very… strange relationship.”
She knew that there was no intimacy there and she knew the reasons for the split before I said anything. I admit, I was going to just let that part of me die off and slip quietly into that long dark sleep. Then I saw that it was not necessary and that, even if it was, I would never want that to happen. And, typing this, I realize that it may well be part of my Goal in this life, “Do not die for a cause.” I was willing to sacrifice myself to make a wrong marriage work. Maybe that is THE thing I was supposed to avoid this life. I refused to sacrifice my happiness.
Maybe all the “died for a cause” lives I have led were not always a glorious death in battle for a right and just cause… maybe they were the quite sacrifices made in the name of conformity, in the name of some supposedly sacred institution. People more often notice the big flashy death scenes more than the lingering death that is misery.
Tis better to die free than to live trapped.